First and foremost, it is important to note that this proof was not discovered intentionally and there was no intention to prove the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster when I set out upon this epic journey of discovery. The preceding statement should be enough to convince my reader that I have not set out to prove a preconceived notion, instead it came about by complete accident. If this statement does not convince you that my motives are pure, rest assured that this simple fact is beyond reasonable dispute and therefore, you are wrong.

The evidence of Him begins with a simple fact of life that is only clearly known and comprehended by people who already have a basic idea of flight and pasta. Granting the incontrovertible truth that the Earth was created in 4004 BC. [3] In that both flying birds and insects are scientifically attested to in this year, clearly man was aware of flight. Similarly, recent discoveries in China have shown that pasta has been around at least since 2000 BC. [4] Therefore it can be safely assumed that man has been aware of both these concepts for thousands of years. Despite this intuitive knowledge of him, articulation of His Noodly Self could never be explicitly discussed because there was a lack of absolute incontrovertible proof of His existence.

Now, however, that I can present absolutely unassailable scientific proof of His existence, there is no longer any reason not to discuss Him and praise His Infinite Noodliness. For the first time in human history, mankind is free to discuss Him with sound proof of His existence.

So what is the simple observable reality that explains in no uncertain terms His existence? This can best be explained by showing an illustration:

In Figure 1 we see a human form with an extra human "aura". The "aura" represents the potential full growth of the human head, whereas the actual human head represents the same man who is physically stunted. This is an illustration of a person who has failed to reach the full physical potential of his genes, a person who has failed to reach the actual head-size that could theoretically come about. This "runt" in fact represents every single person on Earth in that none of us ever reach our full potential head size.

The reason that we are all "runts" compared to our full potential head size is fundamentally environmental. Specifically, the lack of perfect nutritional balance, the lack of perfect environmental conditions, and the lack of perfect physical exertion means that we, as individuals, all develop to full maturity without reaching the maximum head size that is genetically possible.

For the record, this failure to reach our full potential head size is a matter of scientific fact empirically shown via the "Secular Trend." [5] This is the indisputable increase in the physical size of human beings as technology permits humanity to overcome some of the environmental challenges that retards the growth of our heads. Similarly, the "Flynn Effect" [6] reflects the increase in human intelligence over time. Naturally, as the "Secular Trend" allows our head size to increase, our brains, having more space in which to operate, reflect higher levels of overall intelligence.

The "growth deficit" illustrated by the "Secular Trend" and the "Flynn Effect" is a biological fact that is beyond reasonable dispute. Figure 1 above is merely a graphic representation of the "Secular Trend." As time continues we, as a species, are growing ever larger heads that naturally produce increased intelligence. This is, of course, the basis for the established science of Phrenology. [7]

As is illustrated through the "Secular Trend" and the "Flynn Effect", every individual human being is a physically retarded "runt." As we never reach our full potential head size we never achieve our full potential mental development. Clearly, as a race of mentally retarded "runts," we must naturally believe in a fully developed person, and this is clearly the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Noting the "noodly" physical structure of human DNA, it is logical to assume that with time we may fully develop and in so doing become Flying Spaghetti Monsters in our own right. The latent ability to fully develop is hidden within our own genetic make up.

As we all know, human beings only use some ten percent of their brains. [8] Hidden within that untapped 90% of our brains is where the Flying Spaghetti Monster and our potential to fully develop into him resides. Although we cannot "see" Him, that 10% of our brains that we do use is subconsciously aware the unused 90% in which He reigns supreme. Therefore it is not surprising that most humans to have a "sneaking suspicion" that there is a "greater being" tormenting us through our daily lives out of spite. Of course, that is what the Flying Spaghetti Monster does and he is latent within our own "runt" brains.

In that the Flying Spaghetti Monster resides within the 90% of our brains that our tiny "runt" heads can't utilize, the 10% that we do use sees this "mysterious unknown" as the "god" of the heathens, or as the Flying Spaghetti Monster of the enlightened. The effect of this is that we, as diminutive "runts" know, and even worship, Him as the "great unknown" that daily influences reality. All of this is well known and beyond reasonable dispute to anyone that does not have some heretical "axe to grind."

Despite our natural status as retarded "runts", certain special people - notably the Prophet Bobby - and others have the ability to literally "see" how developed another person is as well as their potential and what they could have been had they reached that potential. This ability is not only held by mighty Prophets, but also by psychiatrists, psychics, and psychopaths.

So how can we prove, beyond reasonable dispute, the contentions cited above? This is where we move beyond the general and get into the serious science.

Basically, the human body is a rudimentary geometric machine.

"It is no accident that a horse has 4 feet the same as a car has 4 wheels. The human body is a machine. The body has 3 structural axes and this causes the brain to have 3 structural axes. The fact that the brain has 3 structural axes causes Psychology to have 3 structural dimensions. In fact, when you take into account that the brain is a time varying system, you get 4 structural dimensions known to Psychometry as E,N,P,g (g = IQ). Therefore we see that the X,Y,Z,t of ordinary space-time are the direct physical cause of the four principle dimensions of Psychology, E,N,P,g (Extroversion, Neuroticism, Psychoticism, and Intelligence). These 4 -Psychology dimensions (eigenvectors) were discovered more than 50 years ago and can be measured today to two decimal point accuracy, using written and experimental tests and Factor Analysis." [9]

"The discovery that X,Y,Z,t of Physics causes the E,N,P,g of Psychology (Hammond 1994), leads us immediately to a scientific proof of [Flying Spaghetti Monster]. The reason for this is twofold. First, since we have discovered that the Space-time Metric causes the Psychology Metric, we now know that there are exactly 4 metrical factors in Psychology. Since mathematically a 4x4 matrix can only have a single higher order factor (Thurstone's rule in Factor Analysis), we have discovered that the whole of Psychology, axiomatically, ends in a single structural factor. The biological cause of this factor is easily shown to be the brain growth deficit discussed above. [10]"

"Since it is a highly unexpected and truly shocking fact to find that all of psychology ends in a single axiomatic factor, the last and highest factor in Psychology, it becomes immediately suspect that this final factor is [the Flying Spaghetti Monster]. To clinch the point, we then realize that the curvature of the space-time metric causes Gravity, and therefore since the space-time metric causes the Psychology metric, and the curvature of the Psychology Metric causes [Flying Spaghetti Monster]; that it is Gravity that is the ultimate cause of [Flying Spaghetti Monster]. Since Gravity is the central physical theory of all of science, we can allay any qualms whatsoever that in fact, we have discovered the scientific proof of Flying Spaghetti Monster. That is; a hard science proof that a real [Flying Spaghetti Monster] exists." [11]

Of course these contentions are logically supported by the obvious conclusion that it is the effect of brain growth, as previously discussed, that explains the "miracles" that constitute the bulk of non-scientific evidence of Him. For example, the Okinawan natives, who ate a considerable amount of noodles, probably had a significant spurt of head size growth when their island was visited by the American pirate Perry and thus "miraculously saw" him sail on to other islands. Clearly, any significant increase in head size, with the subsequent expansion of mental powers would result in a radical new view of the world and would seem to be caused by some "higher power." This, of course, explains all the miracles recorded in all religions and properly attributes them to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

In that there will inevitably be some heathens who question what we have accomplished here, I want to be completely understood. I have conclusively shown that the traditional "god" of human lore (cf. the Flying Spaghetti Monster) is physically real and lurking within your little "runt" brain. Do not be confused, this is most assuredly not a qualitative argument as psychometry can literally measure the Flying Spaghetti Monster to within two decimal point accuracy right now.

Admittedly not all the problems have been solved: "Now, this theory indicates that "Gravity" is the ultimate cause of [the Flying Spaghetti Monster] and that brain growth is the direct cause of [the Flying Spaghetti Monster]. Therefore it also indicates that gravity mediates brain growth. Science does not presently know how this works." [12]

At this point we must turn to Mr. Hammond, who has been kind enough to invent a new form of gravity for us:

"In the first place, we know we are not talking about terrestrial gravity. It is too small to cause any noticeable curvature. Furthermore it is a constant, and we know that the higher order [Flying Spaghetti Monster]-Factor is a variable, as evidenced by the Secular Trend. The Factor Analytic result above does not, after all, tell us "what" gravity, it only tells us that it "is gravity". The clue to the mystery appears to be the fact that this gravity somehow controls (mediates) brain growth. This would indicate that perhaps it is "quantum gravity" in the brain that this space curvature refers too. ... It also tells us that apparently we have not uncovered the complete theory of [the Flying Spaghetti Monster]. We have only proved that "[Flying Spaghetti Monster] exists". Apparently, until the theory of Quantum Gravity is discovered we will not have a "complete theory of [Him]". In particular, we cannot answer the question of Life After Death." [13]

Unlike theories, the above is absolute truth as is easily evidenced and is well beyond the pale of reasonable dispute. A whole new era is now dawning, one in which His existence is taken for granted and the heretics can be justly burned at the stake in His name. The dark ages of non-theist "scientific" conjecture are now over. Only a true bigot, one that flatly refuses to face reality, could possibly refuse to teach this incontrovertible truth in all the public schools of the world.

John S., Aspirant Fellow to the Enlightenment Institute, 10 December 2005

Notes:

[1] For the record, this paper is based upon the work of the world's greatest living physicist and psychometrician, George Hammond. Specifically, this paper is based upon his "The Discovery of a Scientific Proof of God", a self-published paper dating from the year 2000 and found online at http://www.ordination.org/MCAC%20Backup/proof.htm To have a better understanding of the argument made here, you may want to read Mr. Hammond's paper, though I wouldn't count on it "clarifying" anything. For an exploration of this monumental work by heretical "scientific purists", see: The Anti-SPoG Website at http://schornak.de/aspog/ and/or Insolitology at http://www.insolitology.com/topten/georgehammond.htm Needless to say, this is a purely absurdist derivative parody of a purely absurdist online paper. This is well within the guidelines of Fair Use as defined in 17 U.S.C. § 107. Note Hammond's brilliant ability to write about himself in both the first and third person seamlessly.

[2] Throughout this work I use the "Dershowitz Methodology" to establish particular facts. Specifically this methodology involves using rhetorical devices such as "This is a simple fact not subject to reasonable dispute;" "there can be no reasonable disagreement about the basic facts;" and "these are incontrovertible facts". By appending such rhetorical devices to a particular piece of information, it becomes unquestionable. Therefore be advised that whenever you see such a turn of phrase it is correct and any misgivings you have about it are wrong. For more on this methodology, see Norman G. Finkelstein, Beyond Chutzpah: On the Misuse of Anti-Semitism and the Abuse of History, (University of California Press, 2005) p. 91.

[3] See, for example, Bishop Ussher Dates the World: 4004 BC, http://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/ussher.htm

[4] See, for example, "Oldest noodles unearthed in China" 12 October 2005, BBC News http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4335160.stm

[5] See, for example, "The Secular Trend in Human Physical Growth: A Biological View" by Tim J. Cole, Economics and Human Biology, (Vol. 1, No. 2, pp. 161-168) http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=416462

[6] About the "Flynn Effect", see "The Flynn Effect" Human Intelligence (2001/2002) http://www.indiana.edu/~intell/flynneffect.shtml

[7] For more, see the Phrenology website: http://134.184.33.110/phreno/

[8] See, for example, "The Ten-Percent Myth" by Benjamin Radford on the Snopes Urban Legends Reference Pages (2000), http://www.snopes.com/science/stats/10percnt.htm

[9] I could never make a more telling argument than this, so this entire paragraph is verbatim from "The Discovery of a Scientific Proof of God", op. cit. fn.1

[10] ibid. As for the instance of Hammond citing himself, his citation is as follows: HAMMOND G.E. (1994) "The Cartesian Theory", New Ideas In Psychology, Vol. 12(2), pp. 153-167, Pergamon Press, London & N.Y.

[11] ibid.

[12] ibid.

[13] ibid.